Trusting

Be careful what you ask God for in prayer.  Recently, as I pondered the area of growing my faith, I asked God to cause me to rely fully on Him.  In many ways, I have become dependent on me and my means rather than on Him.  As usual, He answered.  So, here I am, at the crossroads of : "Can I do this?" and "I know God is in control."

Last February, my wife suffered a concussion.  She did not receive proper treatment at the beginning and her doctor says the healing was impaired.  After taking off about 2 months, her neurologist at the time released her to go back to work.  Since she is a teacher, she got the summer off with the exception of workshops and planning.  When she tried to return to work, she lasted about 2 and a half months before realizing that she couldn't do it.  Major headaches, forgetting how to do basic things, and just pure mental fatigue plagued her.  When she went to another specialist, he openly wondered why she had ever been released to return to work anyway.  

To make a long story short, she has been off for the last several months and receiving workers compensation while she recovers.  She also decided to take a less stressful role at work, when she returns.  This will also mean a substantial drop in pay.  

Hence my dilemma.  My family is going to have to make some major financial adjustments in the coming year.  This will mean stopping or reducing many of the activities that we have come to enjoy and substantially reducing our spending each month.  Some years ago, we went through a similar situation when we chose to live on my income so my wife could stay at home with our son.  It was tough, but with the help of God and family, we made it through just fine.  Now, we are back in the same boat and I have, to my detriment, become too dependent on our paychecks instead of dependent on God.

In many ways, I am excited about this because I can see God bring us through in His ways and not my own.  I'm also scared because, while I would like to say I have strong faith, when the rubber meets the road, I really don't.  This time, I hope, will change that.

More than financially, however, I am trusting God to bring complete healing to my wife. It has been hard to watch her struggle over the last year.  For every two steps forward, it seems she takes one step back.  She is an amazing teacher who is loved by students, parents, and coworkers.  I don't want her to lose that and be unable to return to working with kids.  More than that, though, I want her to be able to live without headaches, short term memory loss, and other neurological issues.

To return to the beginning, I am working on trusting God for her healing and our finances.  I say working because I still struggle with my faith.  But, when I asked God to make me fully dependent on Him, I knew it would be a struggle.  No matter, He will come through.